Darkness

It’s been awhile…… I think it’s a combination of not making the time and not feeling the drive to write. It is usually a good thing that I don’t feel like I have to spill the inner ramblings of my mind and soul in order to try and make some sense of it all. I think this time it is just that what I am trying to process is too hard to write about. It’s not actually mine – just mine to react to - and who am I to even react to it or talk about it. It isn’t me who had my precious child taken away from me in an instant. It isn’t me who lost my mother and my nephew in the same year. It isn’t me who has so much illness and disease surrounding me that it seems no one in my family is safe. It isn’t a 16 year old me who went for a ride with her first love last Friday night and ended up the only one making it home alive. But I keep finding myself grieving and questioning and reasoning with God as if I have some idea of what any of these people are going through. I am so far removed from the horror, the grief, the loss and I’m still feeling my chest fill with fire and the tears well. Yet I cannot begin to pretend to feel one millionth of what these people feel. I feel guilty for having grief - as if it is not mine to have.
I am lucky – I am safe – I am spoiled.
And knowing this I tell myself to stay in the moment. Enjoy each diaper change, each book read, each time the boys disobey me. I am blessed to get these moments.
But flawed as I am, I cannot always stay there. Every day I find myself wanting a break or wishing a moment away. If I were the one this happened to would I ever understand how moments can be wished away again? What would they give for that moment……



So to you who are truly hurting - who are really going through this  -
I am so truly sorry for your loss. I pray you can somehow make peace with your “plan” and I am so sorry that it is such a difficult one. I will not attempt to say any more than that. I do have a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug you, and ears to hear your pain and they are always yours for the taking.