I didn't let fear win today!

2018 is already proving to be magical!  Things I am seeking are finding their way to me with such ease.  It is amazing to see it happen as fast and easily as it is.

I sent out a call for assistance dealing with judgement a few days ago.  This morning the book “Judgement Detox” was placed right in front of my face in an email.  Even better, I was able to do a free 14 day trial to audible and get this book for FREE AND LISTEN TO IT WHILE I WORK!!!  I honestly have no idea how all this happened, I didn’t go looking for any of it and I am quite sure I have already done the free 14 day trial in the past with Audible and find it hard to believe they would allow me to do it again.  I will gladly take it all with loving gratitude from the bottom of my heart!

The first exercise in the book is to make 4 columns.  Write out 15 things/people you judge or have judged in column 1.  Write how that judgement makes you feel in column 2.  In column 3 write why you feel justified to feel that judgement.  Last, in column 4 try and go back and figure out the moment or events that triggered you to feel justified.  I thought I had only done 10, but I actually ended up with 16.  Then after you are done, you are supposed to look back to see if there are any patterns to what you wrote down.  Any surprises?  And ask yourself how it feels to witness what you wrote.  This is what got me.  I consider myself to be very mindful and aware of my judgements.  I have spent at least the past year practicing just this – watching my thoughts and thought patterns – so this is right up my alley but I really didn’t think I would get any new insights from it.  But, I did!  The pattern in all of them ---àFEAR!!!  Fear that I would do/be/say the things I was judging.  All of these judgements stem from the fear that I too have these characteristics within me that I have already judged as my “shadow” and have been trying to keep them hidden and starving, locked away from all to see.  What a gift!  What a beautiful gift to see your judgement as what it really is.  If I can remember each time I find myself judging something or someone that it is just the ego being triggered.  This is just a gift showing you that you have a belief about this, about yourself, that you are not good enough or are wrong.  That there is something about you relating to this that you believe you have to hide, that you believe to be “bad” or “wrong”…..Because if I can get there, I can center and connect with truth and love and nonjudgement and acceptance.  I can bring out that shadow I have been hiding and send it love and understanding and acceptance.  And that is where the true healing comes in.  Once I can accept and embrace that shadow and bring it out of hiding, it shifts and changes.  It doesn’t hold that dark power anymore.  It transforms into magic and love and connection.  It makes me stronger and so much more authentic.

So, thank you Gabrielle Bernstein for this wonderful book!  Thank you judgement for showing me fear.  Thank you fear for showing me my shadows.  Thank you shadows for showing me where I need to send extra love and acceptance.  And thank you for this entire process for showing me ways to be more authentic and accepting on this beautiful day!

Well this just happened...

I don't think there has been any sign of this coming, even looking back now with hindsight 20/20, and I am the Queen of seeing signs....So, surprise, Alissa, You are starting up your blog again!  Welcome back.

I haven't looked at this in years.  I haven't reread any of the past posts.  Another day I will.  I am excited for that day to see just how far I have traveled in such a small amount of time.

Looks like I am starting a little ahead of schedule (if there was one) as people usually start new year "resolutions" on the first day of the new year but I have never been like everyone else so it only makes sense I am doing this my own way and in my own time.  I was just journaling and felt the need to "put it out there".... so here we are!

I have chosen 2 words to carry and embrace through 2018: 

AUTHENTICITY and ACCEPTANCE

For me this means just what you probably think it does, but there is a depth to it that might not be so obvious.  This past year has been about healing and returning to ME and I have needed to retreat from a lot of people, places, and things in order to do this.  I needed space and distance to figure out what was truly mine and what I had only believed to be mine.  I needed to learn to make space for myself again.  I had embrace all my dark, all my confusion and all my hurt.  I am still learning and evolving of course, but (as scary as it still is) I am feeling it is time to come back into that world again.   This means I have to learn how to carry all that I have learned and this new space I have created with me and not lose it when I am bombarded with all that is out there.  I have to be aware when it is my energy, my emotions, my beliefs and when it is someone else’s.  I have to stay grounded and connected to my truth even when I am being triggered by someone else’s.  I have to stay authentic even when it is not easy.  I have to keep my heart open and my ego in check and most importantly, I have to love and forgive myself when I fail at all of this, because I will, time and time again. 

So, all of that above is just attempting to explain where I am coming from and where I am thinking I am going…..BUT it’s all irrelative anyway because all that really ever matters is where I am!

Here is where I am:

What about instead of judging others and trying to change their actions and beliefs, we changed something inside of ourselves?   We became more of the person we believe others should be?  We did more for the causes we are fighting for and believe in?  We paved the way and showed how it is done?  Just because people speak or come off a certain way or even believe a certain way doesn’t mean they are really that way…there is so much we don’t know, so much that is hidden (even from themselves) on who they really are or how they got to be the way they are.   “It’s important to remember that people are always doing the best they can, including you.” Louise Hay

What if we just gave them the unconditional love and acceptance we are all so desperately seeking?

Show them the nonjudgement you wished they practiced and showed to the world

Donate that time / money / energy you wished they would donate

Radiate the love and unity you wish they would encompass

I cannot change any of you BUT I can change myself!  And that may in the end truly change someone else!

What is hope, exactly?

I've spent most of the past 2-1/2 years in a bubble.  A hope bubble.  It was popped last month and I haven't been sure what to do about it.  Then I started to question what hope even is and at what point it is appropriate and and what point it just becomes yet another device I use to get through my day.  Hearing the words : these drugs aren't working.  well, it threw me for a loop.  I always had those drugs to fall back on.  They were working.  This was it.  I just had to get Cole through the next couple years with no serious lung damage and I believed that it would all be fine. 

Next chapter, we join the thousand of other families plagued with this disease without a cure.  Yes, we are so much farther along than most of them....so much they would scoff at my comments.  Their loved ones barely made it out of diapers or grade school.  But this is where our journey starts, after the loss of so many. 

It doesn't stop hurting.  I thought somehow it would. 

The crawl is tomorrow.  Danny's anniversary of his death is tomorrow.  It's just bringing it all up.  People don't get how it feels.  They don't know that the crawl is so bittersweet for so many of us, we cry in the days leading up to it.  They don't get that a sister will be mourning her baby brothers death.  I am glad they don't, they wouldn't want to go.  It's still there though.  It's still always there.  Just send a prayer out to those that hurt.  They will feel it.

The outsiders

Well I don't much fit in with the sick world.  We've been too healthy lately.  The meds and therapy have become routine.  We forget we're one of you.  I know, I know..."enjoy!" or "screw you" or "must be nice"  We are, yes, and yes it is.  But I don't forget.  Promise.  You mommy's who are awaiting that surgery or wondering if your "baby" will get those lungs she needs to live....I don't forget about you.  But, I also don't get it either.  I still get to live in the well world where my biggest fights are about putting on shoes or going to swim lessons.  Where a doctors visit doesn't mean seeing doctors I can't pronounce or spell.  It may be us one day....

we go to Iowa City tomorrow.  I think I'm handling this one the best yet.  (we'll see! ;))  We have been SO blessed and i know that.  To the mommy's and familes out there dealing with illness my heart goes out to you.  I pray for you and yours.  Stay strong.

well...

I usually freak out before the appointment....today it was after.  Just want to say I hate CF.  Cole's doing fine so far, I am just feeling weak and negative anyway.  Jenna's writing a paper on it and I couldn't even get myself to read it for her....I don't want to hear what it does and how it does it right now.  I don't want any more reminders of what Cole has to face.  Strength will come back, just not today.  Today I get to shed some tears and feel the anger.  The children that keep dying make it hard.  The babies it takes....well. 

On a positive note, I have someone who will do a fund raiser for us.  Now I just need someone local who needs our help.  Please let God bring them our way.  Send a prayer out there for me, will you?