Happy birthday Danny!

Fall used to make me think of football and bon fires.  I guess from now on I will think of Danny and CF.  September 25th is Danniel Ridenour's 30th birthday.  He's just not here to celebrate it with us.  Danny stoppped fighting for every breath on thanksgiving day last year.  He had Cystic Fibrosis.  He was my friend Cassie's little brother.  He was a son, a husband, a brother, a friend.  He's gone.


It's hard to comprehend really.  Danny wasn't ever sick with the "normal" cf stuff.  He was hospitalized a lot but it was always bowel obstructions.  He didn't ever culture MRSA and didn't culture pseudomonas until after he was out of high school.  He also didn't keep up with his chest percussions and doctor visits like they say you should.  But it just didnt really make sense...he went down so fast...


I got to see him a couple weeks before.  Cole had his clinic visit in Iowa City and that is where Danny was treated and hospitalized.  At this point he was living there...a small room with no view where his wife and sister would come to see him when ever they could.  I went alone while Cole was under sedation and having his first infant pulmonary function test.  I fully gowned and masked myself  before going into his room...there was no way I wanted to be the reason he or Cole cultured something new and was way too aware of the risk.  He was on oxygen pretty much all the time at this point.  We talked about designing a mask that would allow him to wear his glasses and be able to see while on the bipap.  He would pull of his mask and fight to make words come out.  Then slip it back on exhausted.  He hadn't been eating but promised he would that day.  He hated feeding tubes and refused to have one.  Still, he seemed positive and upbeat.  I was convinced he would be walking out of there within a month.  I had started to read about and research lung transplants...I really thought that was where this was going.  His lung function was very low but he still didn't qualify for the transplant list yet.  He'd also been on steroids most of his life so he wasn't a good candidate but it just seemed like that was the next step in his battle.  Looking back now, I see it.  I didn't see it that day - or maybe I just couldn't admit it then.


Danny was done.  He was tired of fighting.  He was at peace with his life here and ready to move on to the other side.  He was just holding on for those around him.  It makes me mad at myself now looking back.  I sat there and tried to pump him full of my ideas of fighting and living.  I couldn't even imagine then that that was just one option....that there was another choice to consider.  Selfishly it was too hard to imagine that Cole would ever be at a point where we stopped fighting and allowed him to die peacefully.  I still don't know if I could do it.   I would like to believe that I could.  That my faith would be strong enough.  I hope I don't ever get to find out. 


I talked to Cassie two days before thanksgiving...she knew.  She even said (jokingly) it would be thanksgiving.  It was.  They spent those days in the hospital by his side.  I don't know how she did it.  I was at Nina's helping in the kitchen when my cell rang.  It was a number I didn't know and my heart sank.  I knew who it was and what they were going to say.  I still found myself gasp "NO" when I heard "he's gone".

We were having our first annual "Crawling for a Cure" CF bar crawl the weekend after thanksgiving.  My sister had put it all together.  We had a hundred shirt orders and even more people who said they were coming.  On Friday I went to Cassie's w/ food and several boxes of tissues.  Her family was assembled there to grieve.  Her mom had flown in from California.  That's when it all made sense.  We would have a candle lit vigil for Danny at the bar crawl.  We would dedicate the night to Danny.  A celebration of his life - not a mourning of his death.  Her family was excited.  I think being able to put your energy into something positive and fun was a great contrast to the fact that they were planning his funeral arrangements.  

So, here we are almost a whole year later.  Danny's 30th birthday is only days away.  His wife has moved away.  His sister has continued living.  Life goes on.  But it doesn't mean that he isn't missed or remembered daily.  But it just goes on without him.


We will be having our second annual Crawling for a Cure the saturday after thanksgiving.  We will have a candle lit vigil and celebrate Danny's life.  We will say a prayer for all of you out there that battle this disease every day of your life and for those who love you.