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Thursday, September 30, 2010

more emotional vomiting!

So, I feel stronger, right? yeah, not so much.  Let's talk about reality.  Reality is so different for so many different people and yes, it is hard to understand other's reality.  When you are "one of us" though, you just get it...or you spend your days trying to pretend that you don't.  I offended a friend when I questioned why he had to die.  Not really offended, she just said she realized she wasnt dealing with all the questions and emotions from his death.  It just didn't fit in to my plan.  But the more you see people die before what we are forced to categorize as their time the harder this disease gets.  I deal by making a framework in my mind.  Cf is a fucker.  It doesn't follow my framework.  It kills who ever it wants when ever it wants.  The bottom line is I don't really think I can make it through losing a child.  There, I said it.  I don't see myself ever being ever to go to work and pretend like their deadlines are important again or caring about them.  I don't see myself finding value in whats going on with the PTA or the school team.  The truth is I don't see myself being able to function much at all.  I wouldn't have a choice in a sense, Chaz deserves a life.  But I don't think I could ever pretend enough to make his life a life.  So there, I've said it.  I don't know how you go thru this.  I don't think I can do it.  I DONT WANT TO FIND OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don't make any more parents have to find out.  Please GOD lead us to the cure.  Allow these people to live! 

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