Fear

Some days it's there before I even open my eyes. I think I begin unaware. Sometimes I forget that its not normal to wake up afraid. Today it takes me about an hour to realize it. My stomach is achy and it feels like the acids are making way into my throat. I realize the thoughts running through my mind are full of fear and compensations. Trying to make comfort with my fears is somthing I've grown used to. For some reason today I am remembering being 8-1/2 months pregnant with Cole and sobbing hysterically to my ob/gyn. I was telling her that I couldn't stop thinking that something was wrong with the baby. That something horrible was going to happen. She said that it was actually very common especially when pregnant with the second child. (I hadn't felt this way with Chaz). Then my mind shifts to the delivery room. I was so sure that something was wrong during his delivery I made my mother call my Aunt at 5 in the morning (she runs the whole birthing center). One of the nurses got on the phone and assured her everything was ok. Looking back now I have to question what I was picking up on....did I already know somehow, somewhere inside of me that Cole was sick?  Or do I just find the fear and negative in everything?


Pj told me again last night that we must let Cole learn to cry himself back to sleep. He's never cried himself to sleep or back to sleep in his whole life. His evening treatment is done when he's falling asleep everynight so that is a main reason. But, the truth is when he stirs and cries out I HAVE to check on him. I have to make sure that it's nothing more than a bad dream or wet diaper. And once I see his face, I can't let go. Thoughts like "he's already going to have enough pain in his life, he doesn't need anymore" or "what if this is an indicator that something is wrong. I better hold him or sleep with him to make sure he's okay" take over. Very rarely does it even put me out to get up with him. I see it as a blessing. I am lucky to get this time with my angel. 
 
One week from today is Clinic.  We're meeting with a surgeon.  I'm pretty sure between that and the doctor visit for Chaz yesterday I know why I'm figdety and anxious.